Hearing the news,
like a strike of lightning.
Over and over,
“This can’t be real.”
I never imagined
how your absence would land in me.
It’s more than sadness.
Not even close.
It’s an earthquake
at the center of my chest.
Tears come easily now
when you pass through my mind;
as if my body forgets how to function,
like breathing suddenly costs too much.
And then there’s anger.
It shows up without warning,
stays longer than it should
I hate you.
So much.
…Sometimes.
Fuck you for not getting clean.
Fuck you for leaving me with this.
Fuck you for breaking something in me I didn’t know could break.
You were selfish
You are selfish
And then it shifts again
into something heavier.
quieter.
Because then I remember us.
Childhood things
small moments that still know my name
And it does it again,
that same cut
Another hit to the chest,
another piece of me missing
in a place I can’t reach anymore.
Everyone says time heals it.
As the years continue to pass
I know they’re lying.
Still,
there’s a strange comfort
in knowing you don’t hurt anymore.
That maybe you finally got what you were chasing:
the endless high
you ran after all those years.
Sometimes I even smile
thinking about how you’d laugh at me now.
tease me for all this crying.
I know
I know
And I’d tell you to shut up
because I will always miss you
because I will always love you
because I will always hate you
My sister.
My biggest wound.
You are everywhere in me now;
not just as a memory
but as something permanent.
TheJFiles 